A Christian, hard-rocking gay man

While this blog was always intended to be filled with posts under a pseudonym (Metalhead39), the use of a pseudonym does not make the person I am any less real. My first and last name has no bearing on the story, though I can say I never experienced hatred, name-calling nor any sort of physical or emotional abuse because of my ethnicity and gender. I wrote this post as a way to give some teenager or 'tween' someone to identify with, especially in light of multiple suicides successfully committed by several boys in recent weeks.

The first time I spoke the phrase "I'm gay" to anyone happened when I was 18 years old. If that was the beginning of the story, this would take a lot less time to write. Within months of my official coming out, I met others who identified as gay or lesbian. I have known maybe one or two bi-sexual people and only know male-to-female transgendered people (though I may well know female-to-male transgendered people and they have not 'outed' themselves to me yet).

The story starts in the mid 1970's when I started Kindergarten in Wyoming. Within my first year at elementary school, I knew I was different from other boys. When on the playground, I sought out the company of and preferred playing with girls. Though thin through my college years, I was always the slowest runner, only played one season of soccer and, except for the typical child's outdoor games, avoided joining any sports organization until college, when I rediscovered my love of bowling.

I was skipped a grade ahead from 2nd to 3rd grade. This made me the youngest and the shortest child in every class until puberty started early in 9th grade. Growing to six feet tall shut a lot of mouths!

I did reasonably well in school, though soon learned that being extra smart led to being singled out. As much as any parent wants the most educational challenges for their bright children, children seek to keep their peers at their level. I first learned the power of teasing and bullying somewhere in 2nd grade and it started with bullying from girls. Yes, that fits a stereotype for a boy who is destined to grow up gay; however, I did not know the stereotype existed as a child.

I cannot recall the first time I heard the word "faggot" pointed at me. I cannot even recall how many times I was called "faggot", "fairy", "queer", or any of the other derogatory words for gay. I also cannot recall the number of times I returned the insult with the very same word ("faggot", "fairy", "homo", etc.) or how those whom I insulted felt as I tried using words to defend myself. High school and, especially junior high where the bullying was most intense, was over 25 years ago. I have long since accepted apologies from those who offered them to me for the way I was treated. I have also offered apologies for those to whom I redirected that rage, anger, confusion and self-hatred and I pray that those who needed to hear an apology from me took it as sincere. All of the negative feelings I had as a 'tween' and a teenager rose up as quickly in me as a grade-school volcano lava flow as I followed news of these multiple suicides.

When puberty started, I would fantasize as I explored my ever-changing body about what sex would be like with someone. The fantasies, try as I might to shape them, always involved only men.

The only gay men I ever knew were those few guys at school who were very effeminate. Even though they were in school, they never came out to me. In the mid-eighties, the Internet was something that was 'nerds-only' and consisted of Windows/DOS computer language screens with squaking modems connecting nerds to a network of bulletin boards. No FaceBook, Twitter or a search engine into which I could search for "gay". Not even a way to find other gay teens in the state or country was available to me.

Even if electronic communication was possible back then, I still could not identify myself as gay because:

1. My high school years were spent living in a very conservative part of the country.
2. I tried dressing in women's clothes one time to see if I felt more comfortable. I only wound up feeling more confused and swearing to myself I would never do any such thing again. The clothing never permitted me to express a different side of myself because that side never existed.
3. While I was never a big sports fan, I never enjoyed the typical girl games/activities.
4. While I could appreciate and sometimes enjoy groups like Duran Duran, Culture Club and the Pet Shop Boys, I was (and always shall be) a devoted metalhead. On my very first radio played The Who, Aerosmith, Steve Miller and Led Zeppelin. My uncle got me into Rush and I formed a special connection with all things heavy metal/hard rock.
5. I was very comfortable (and still am somewhat) referring to people as "dude"
6. For the most part, my speaking voice was mid-range for a guy. No lisp and/or high-pitched, fast-talking feminine-like patter came out of my mouth. Once I came out, I began exploring that part of the culture and, now and then, let the "grrrrl" tone of voice come out.

A few months after I came out, I started going to Sunday evening youth group meetings at the county's Gay & Lesbian center. While there were plenty of effeminate men sashaying about, I also met men who were more masculine than many of the straight men I knew as well as those who "picked and chose" their likes and dislikes without regard to the stereotypical gender roles.

I had thought plenty of times as a teenager of killing myself. Blessedly, I never formed a plan to do this. I could not imagine any method of suicide that did not involve pain, stealing something illicit to complete the act or some way of doing the deed and not having my mother be racked with pain for the years to follow. At times, it was a minute-by-minute decision to not kill myself fueled only by my greater fear of causing my mother psychological harm from which she might never have recovered.

I never spoke with a therapist/psychologist and/or psychiatrist as a child. I knew of no "peer" of mine nor a teacher or other trusted adult to whom I could visit and figure out someway of reconciling my burgeoning sexuality with my personality. The only person I knew who would have accepted me even as a mess of confusion lived clear across the country.

I even have a Bible, given to me as a child, in which I underlined and highlighted passages which purport to talk about homosexuality as a sin. It was not until my early twenties that I learned many of those passages were translated only after choosing one interpretation of the original text as it best fit the popular culture (and, in some cases, the reigning King) of the times. Before then, however, I had resigned myself to the same mantra many LGBTQ people did regarding their own religion: if I am destined to be damned to Hell upon my death, I will make my life on this earth as best as possible until my final breath.

To any gay, lesbian, bi-, trans or queer/questioning youth reading this post, my message is that I, like your gay brothers, lesbian sisters, fellow bi-'s and the trans community, know deep in my heart that your emotional battles are waged day to day, hour to hour and even minute to minute while you are convinced you are the only combatant in a war where everyone else has declared themselves your enemy.

When those feelings surface -- write them down, post them on your blog (anonymous, if you like), find any adult whom you trust will listen and speak to them, paint a picture, write a song, take a walk, eat an apple, send a postcard to PostSecret or even play with the family pet. Dogs, cats, hamsters, snakes, frogs and birds are never judgmental and only offer unconditional love, even if it's just in the form of curling themselves around you.

You are even welcome to reply to this post. I always have a link to The Trevor Project, which runs a 24 hour, 7 day a week help line with a toll-free number so that phone number won't appear on your parents' phone bill.

I don't want to lose one more child/young adult to a bully, even if you have become your own worst bully.

Big story of the day somewhere that isn't the U.S.

Not too surprising that news websites based in the U.S. tend to talk about news in the U.S. more often than news happening outside our borders. While it's tempting to focus inward and ignore what happens outside of our front door, it's usually benefits us to be aware of what happens outside the front door to our house/apartment because, sometimes, those outside events begin to affect what happens inside our homes.

Here's what tops one news site now in southeast Asia:



and what tops another site's southeast Asia page. You'll have to trust that the screen grabs were done within 2 minutes of each other:

One site leads the lists with how the Asian markets are performing while the other leads with what is being said is needed to help those affected by ongoing flooding in Pakistan. It's not that difficult to tell whose website leans toward the conservative end and which leans liberal.

I've even tried going outside my figurative front door to see what is truly an important news story. I now know I am not immune

to the trivial and inconsequential in a news site. Be that as it may, I think the third site with the silly story gets closer to what the truth of what we all should know as we go about our day-to-day:

This hurt

My apologies for the less-than-ideal video/audio quality in the clip below. However, the words are easy enough to hear.

When talking recently about President Obama's pick for the next Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan and Ms. Kagan's stated opinions on the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy regarding gays and lesbians serving without having to hide their sexual identity, the conversation Senator Inhofe and radio host Bryan Fischer have meanders into an all-too-telling look into the personal feelings the Senator has about gays and lesbians in the military in general:

" .. you have women, men then you'd have a third group to deal with . ."

As a gay man, I'm supposing I'd be a part of the "third group". What in the blazes does the Senator think folks in the "third group" look like? I couldn't help but visualize a couple of new sets of barracks on some base/post/station into which the "third group" would be housed.

Perhaps some of these G.Is are a part of this "third group". What would their special barracks look like, do you suppose, Senator?

(btw, perfectly OK to giggle, guffaw and/or laugh yourself silly. All I saw in the clip below is some bored GIs with time to kill and a need to entertain themselves. Still . . )

" . . you hear the stories all the time . ."

Do you mean stories like this one, Senator? (yeah, I know it's 5 years old. Find a current story that fits the Senator's implication that gay & lesbian soldiers destroy unit cohesion, etc. My bet is you're more likely to find unit cohesion issues stem from other issues)

" . . we're not doing it for the flag or for the country, we're doing it for the guy in the next foxhole . ."

Stifling the urge to giggle at the unintentional double-entendre at the end of this quote, here's a much more clear-headed set of reasons why soldiers do what they do for us every day all over the world. Straight from the source (no pun intended).

Emotions aside, the clip from the radio interview smells like pandering to the conservative base at its worst. I've learned from my little bit of experience in the wide, wide world of politics, though, that it's impossible to set emotion aside from the business of governing. To this end, politicians like Senator Inhofe know this is so just like a reflex and the best of the best in politics can spit out rhetoric reflexively.

Still, this one really cuts through me. I felt like I was grouped in with aliens from outer space, mutants or some other science-fiction imagined third gender. Then, I felt like no matter how committed and honorable I was with my friends, family, co-workers and people I pass on the street, that my ultimate goal in life is nothing but sexual pleasure. I still can't wrap my head around the third quote above. From all I have read, the need to protect, defend and fight along side the soldiers in my unit/platoon, etc., becomes reflexive like breathing or blinking. The former servicemen and women I have worked with and those in my personal life carry that same sensibility with them well after their service to their country has ended.

I cannot imagine how much more strongly a gay or lesbian soldier must feel about this after hearing this mess from Inhofe.

Luckily, we don't have to imagine.

Read this post with tissues and something soft and light to throw

The older I get, the more stories of injustice and fraud against the most frail of us tug at my heart. With that, I'm either mopping up the tears or finding something soft and light to throw at the closest electronic device.

The latest: this heartbreaking story from my home state. My partner and I have Last Wills, Living Wills and Power of Attorney documents for each other. Still, the thing every other partnered couple fears deep down happened here. I pray that God is on the side of justice as one of the men sues his county of residence. It won't change the sad events; however, this is an opportunity for that county and any other in the state to clean up their act.

************ ************* *************** **************** ***************

I haven't watched 60 Minutes in some time. Though the promise of an interview with Al Pacino drew me in (it's rare he grants interviews -- perhaps the reason for that is in the viewing of the interview itself), it was the main story which took up two of the three segments. The hurt, anger, sadness and pit-of-the stomach nausea I felt in years past as people I loved fought their fights with cancer came roaring back.

I've seen the face of pure, stinking rotten evil in this world only a few times. Last night was one of those nights:

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Click here for part 2 -- if you've managed to keep your computer monitor in one piece.

Lists

I spent a good chunk of my childhood obsessed over lists. Specifically, Billboard magazine's Hot 100. I had my favorite songs (this one -- audio only -- moving up the chart cracks me up. Enjoy!), but it was so very rare that a song I liked ever hit the top of the charts.

I've had two lists bouncing around my head until this morning. On the surface, what the lists say about our society is pretty disturbing. Just like the Hot 100 lists from years ago, a closer inspection reveals a few favorites that are sure not to bubble to the surface and a lot of other information which only shows one side of a much larger problem.

First, the injunction that's part of a "civil lawsuit proposed by the city attorney's office, 80 defendants, most of them gang members, would be barred from . . " the Skid Row area of Los Angeles. Some that are in recovery from drug abuse and live in the area seem appreciative of the potential break in the non-stop drug shopping mall. There was a small pocket of protestors outside the announcement of the proposed lawsuit -- upset about not enough done to build/remodel affordable housing in the area but I'd guess not upset about barring the gang activity involving drug deals in the Skid Row area.

Short of erecting an actual wall and a moat of some sort, if the injunction goes through, it doesn't stop the dealing -- it just moves it into the shadows and outside Skid Row's "boundaries". The key to ongoing recovery for drug addicts is making the conscious choice to not use, even if the decision is made hour by hour or minute by minute. A stronger network of support for those in recovery in the neighborhood as well as an increase acceptance of the presence of recovery groups and locations would be a big help.

At the other side of the world, another list that tells a larger story upon closer inspection, but doesn't tell the entire story. This list comes with pictures, so everyone's a winner. It is interesting to note that the assertion that the corporations in the list pay no income tax is like looking at a penny from one direction and saying there are no bumps or ridges in a penny. You and I know that's not true, but if you only stare around the edge and feel it with your finger, it's as smooth as copper/zinc gets.

Taxes get paid. Not necessarily paid to the IRS/U.S. Treasury, but paid somewhere. Perhaps a more united effort by the countries to which taxes are paid to demand the same percentage from corporations as the U.S. demands . .

Nah. That'd be like making Skid Row in L.A. a "drug free zone".

Don't Ask, Don't . . . *yawn*

About the debate over whether or not to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", this article posted at Stars and Stripes' website should end it. I know it really doesn't, but three consecutive town hall-style meetings with soldiers and sailors where DADT wasn't brought up until Admiral Mullen brought it up and, even then, the groups had way more pressing issues to discuss.

Exactly.

I'm also a little fuzzy on the notion that this policy keeps "teh gay" out of the Armed Forces like chicken wire keeps the vermin away from a garden. It does not and it was not originally intended to act like gay repellent. Just so happened that the way the policy was enforced led to more outings of gay and lesbian military personnel.

So, what are the "keep things the way they are" crowd really wanting to maintain?

Oh, for the love of . .

I had a spiritual awakening soon after the death of my Aunt. Without going into much detail, during her final months I experienced all that is good in humanity, fellowship and faith as well as the dangers of placing one's entire supply of faith into one human whose only focus is on improving the status of his bank account, not in the physical and spiritual well-being of his clients.

As a Christian, I enjoy an unspoken set of beliefs with my fellow Christians. We all understand, even those with limits to their biblical scholarship (or other aspects of the full faith experience), that when you have done something to harm someone, even if it's only to yourself, asking for forgiveness is the first step. If the person harmed is not ready/willing to forgive, we Christians ask forgiveness from God and are granted it. While forgiveness wipes a figurative slate clean, it does not absolve us from any future transgressions. In fact, it serves as a reminder to not repeat the same set of behaviors which led to the transgression in the first place.

All of which leads me to what a certain Fox News personality said earlier today regarding Tiger Woods and his alleged transgressions of late. Sadly, it's all too easy these days to hear/read people invoking Christianity as a "cure-all" or salve for all that ails.

I really tire of media personalities invoking my faith as justification for all manner of transgression. The plea earlier today to Mr. Woods to ". . turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world" may just have worked my last nerve.

Or, maybe it's my impending migraine talking.

While I have it in my head, though, I decided to see if, perhaps, Buddhism was the source of Woods' problems of late. You can even look for yourself. It took me about 47 seconds of reading to figure out that Woods' choice of faith was not the root cause of his alleged infidelity. In fact, after looking over the Four Noble Truths and the Five Precepts, Woods' faith would have clearly informed him of his transgression (see F.P #3 and #4).

While Buddhism doesn't appear to have a cleansing of sin clause, all Woods would need to do is refresh himself of the Three Trainings and get back on track with the Eightfold Path and his troubles will work themselves out, more or less. With corporate sponsors leaving him and his wife weighing her options, he probably has more time to refocus himself in his faith.

As there is no commandment to visit a place of worship on a regular basis and help to support it financially, his best choice may be to remain with his faith.

What, do you suppose, Fox News anchors/hosts do to stay true to their own faith?

So much in political news these days, and yet

I just don't have a unique perspective on any of it. Not the mixed message of the President accepting the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo and giving a speech justifying the continuation of war in Iraq, Afghanistan, etc.

It was just odd. Perhaps the Nobel folks, going forward, will offer an "opt out" to their winners, should the winner not feel deserving of the medal, prize money, honor, etc.? I can't even find a matching set of circumstances in my own life so that I can at least say something like "I understand, to some degree, why things happened the way they did".

I cannot even find words to talk about the legislative situation in Uganda. Besides, Rachel Maddow tied it all up nicely earlier this week by having on her show a man who, indirectly, led to what looks like legislation through proselytising. And, this guy looks like he's getting all the validation he was seeking through all of this.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Laws written to jail people who don't tell the Ugandan government that someone they know may or may not be gay. Never mind what the law proposes to do with the alleged "gays" themselves.

I can't find the words. But, if it comes to it, I'll do what I can to find room to harbor as many refugees as this law will create. And, barring something miraculous happening, the law is all but assured to pass. If I am able to do what I've just written, then I couldn't say a word to anyone about what I'm doing. I wish I was being hyperbolic.

Then, there's the whole Sarah Palin, Al Gore, iceberg headed for Australia, global warming scientist e-mail disaster. The best I can come up with?

Palin in 2012!

Perhaps then I'll have something to say. Daily.

My therapy

Some smoke up, some head to the local waterhole for libation and conversation. I write.

Whatever you to work out the tensions of the week, be sure to do some of that this weekend and make the most distressing thing you do is take in the lousy sci-fi/horror flick of the week. I checked out "This is It" and shamelessly sang along with Michael Jackson and it felt so good. Oh, and avoid the news for a bit.

That said, I'm tapping this one out while riding the rails. Sadly, inspiration to write after ten days has been wrung out of the horrific events yesterday in fort hood. I'm not a soldier, but I've been kept in a room for hours on end waiting for a nearby act of insanity to pass. I'm not a mental health professional, but I make my living listening to people's problems and finding quick solutions. I've spent of my adult life trying to find meaning to existence through God while excluding as little as possible as I wander.
My life experiences tell me that this U.S. Army Major, who is frighteningly close to my age, chose to do what he did based on a series of decisions made that, metaphorically, painted himself into a corner where he felt the only way to ease the ache was through creating a whorl of violent chaos. The right question to ask is this: What happened in his life that led him down his path where nearly everyone would have exited the same path a few off-ramps ago.

Since tapping out the text above on Friday 11/6, the Major is now conscious. However, no work as to whether or not he'll be interviewed and, even if he is interviewed, what sort of "truth" will we hear about the situation at Fort Hood.

If you believe the media, he's a hop, skip and a jump from the 9/11/01 terrorists and he has gone from a faithful Muslim to an extremist.

I still believe this was more of a case of a mental health professional who was not taking his medications as he should have and, because the meds were not doing what they should have, he felt free to do what he wanted.

We should, of course, hang on for a bit until all of the facts are in and are spoon-fed to us.

Meanwhile, I baked up a batch of macaroni & cheese from scratch and passed it out to my co-workers. Nothing like eggs, butter, pasta and lots of cheese to siphon out the tension and anger.

And the tension/migraine headache I'm nursing, I'm sure, is yet another way of keeping my anger in check. Hard to be mad when your head's in a vice.

Beer diplomacy

Perhaps the alcoholic in me should examine my level of enthusiasm over an upcoming meeting at the White House.  I just think it's fantastic that three guys are meeting over a glass/pint/bottle/mug of brew at the White House.

Now, even someone like me knows full well nothing much more will get resolved over this meeting than apologies all around (some more heartfelt than others) and, perhaps, whether two men from Red Sox territory can talk a die-hard White Sox fan into who-knows-what.  I've been around enough men and enough beer to know that all bets may be off if enough beer is served.

Well, again, I'm well aware that, if all three of them are lucky, they'll only get a few sips in to wet their whistle so as to continue the conversation.  Even if the Sergeant is a tough-nut conservative, who wouldn't enjoy a conversation with the President of the United States AND a Harvard Professor?  Even yours truly could well have sat down with President George W Bush and, say, Professor Harvey Mansfield (though I would have switched us over to chamomile tea -- just so the conversation has a chance of remaining intelligent).

I have been pondering what else we might be able to resolve if we could get folks from two sides of a political argument to sit together and sip one down.  If it meant both sides getting into the same room and having a meaningful conversation, I'd even settle for early afternoon with glasses of chardonnay or milk & cookies late at night.

Hard to argue with a mouthful of dairy and sugar.

One Christian's response to recent events

I have digested as much liberal and conservative goulash over the events in Kansas early last week, the killing of two soldiers in Arkansas the very next day and what happened today at the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C.

Strangely, my stomach feels extra full and I think I may end my night with something plopped into tap water that tickles the nose and causes all sorts of noise to come out of me.

As I let my nightly dose of liberal talk wash around my ears as the Metro whisked me toward my car, the connections between these two events becoming, well, evident, something occurred to me.

Where is the Christian reaction to all of this?

The bright, shiny church down the 5 freeway is saying . . nothing?  Though, it is nice to read about kindness.  Enjoy!

A little further down the 5 freeway at one of my favorite Hawaiian shirt wearing pastors church?  Talk about a revival from the good pastor and, again, nothing of the events from the past two weeks.

A visit to the "wealthy is cool with God" church, uh, whatever you would call them, has a series of blog posts that, while light on the Scripture quoting (OK, there's none), are still pretty good.  I almost popped out the plastic and searched for the shopping cart logo.  Then, I saw the professional head shots at the top of this page and figured that their needs are already well tended and they seem to have such busy lives that, perhaps, offering a piece of inspiration to counter the disturbing events of the past two weeks would just be a bit too much of a buzzkill. 

Gosh, if my eyes ever pop that big and my skin becomes that flawless, I may then make my move to the big time stadium grandstanding, book publishing and fancy car driving that I'm sure God would have in mind for me . . . or not.

The moderator of my church's denomination had a really good post about Dr. Tiller's death and her experience with a women's right to privacy.  In all fairness, though, some Christians may lament the lack of Scripture references in the post.  You may even wonder about my own lack of Scripture reference in this post, but then again I am not any church's staff member or clergy.

My brief tour of the blogosphere's Christian Corner, it seems, has turned up not a whole lot of perspective, opinion or even a seamless "here's what Jesus would do" twist on these three news events.  So, here is what this very amateur Christian has figured out.

Every Christian now has the opportunity to witness.  I don't mean "witness" in the traditional sense, though.  Whenever a Christian sees, hears or is in the vicinity of an injustice being done to anyone because of the way they look, talk or behave, we have a responsibility to stand up for that individual and represent the Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer. Whether we physically insert ourselves between the two parties, diffuse the situation with distraction or even find someone in charge and bringing the situation to their attention makes no difference.  By acting as we would imagine Jesus Christ acting in a similar situation, we are really "witnessing" to others around who may never have seen someone behave as a Christian must behave in the face of injustice.

It is virtually impossible for any of us to stand in the path of an actual bullet, and no one should ever demand that any of us do so.  It is a rare individual who can reach through to people as far removed from good as these three gunmen were and turn their beliefs around toward love and reconciliation in time to prevent another senseless act of violence.

Since none of us really knows where the next shocking act of violence will occur, we have no idea whether we are just representing God or being that someone that makes a strong, positive change in someone's life.

It is becoming obvious to me what happens when Christians do nothing.

A meditation

Ooh, if this was only the type that involves incense, a tranquil forest retreat and slow, deep Shiatsu massage at the end.  Maybe next time.

Thanks to now having a normal 40-hour-a-week with a daily 2 1/2 hour round trip commute, I have precious little time weeknights to scour the 'net, looking for news that grabs my attention and rattles me enough that I can't just post a mildly snarky comment on that site itself.  Since I'm using public transportation for the daily commute (that's old-school for "going green", btw), I'm saving my pennies to get a new computer (the one I use is fast approaching 7 years old) and some kind of matching PDA I can take with me on the commute.

So, while I await a leapfrog of technology into the 21st century, I just started my now weekly trip through the blogosphere and found a post by one of my favorite writers, Susie Madrak. You'll find a clip of testimony given to the Senate this past Wednesday from a journalist turned TV writer regarding the state of "professional journalism".

I'll distill it:  pretty bleak.

Be that as it may, the last century is full of industries who were on the brink of death when someone found a way to revive/reinvent themselves.  My best guess is that the Huffington Post is in the best position to become this century's NY Times.  Maybe The Mudflats as an adjunct to the Anchorage Daily News and Juneauempire.com ?

So, where do I see myself in all of this?  No Journalism degree and nothing in my resume suggesting a career sniffing out big stories.  I've enjoyed my forays into protest and civic involvement; however, I really love snapping photos of my new work neighborhood (Hollywood CA) and fishing around the 'net for my favorite tunes.

So, maybe no Pulitzer, Peabody or six-figure book deal in my future.  Then again, the majority of writers never receive awards or live in the lap of luxury.

Please knock first before entering the . . uh . . room (?) as I ponder the direction of this blog this weekend.

So much info in such a small space!

Hang on -- here we go!

I'd believe this site to have the most accurate count of participants from today's Tea Parties.  Afraid it doesn't really capture the spirit, though.

If they grab a bunch of all of our e-mails, texts, phone calls -- oopsie!  Accidently do so to someone in the Legislature? Noooooo!!!

Hmm . . a member of Congress going on the radio and talking about things that she either recalled incorrectly or purposely made up / shaded / contorted.  This isn't her first time in front of a mic and/or camera -- isn't there someone or some 21st century device she could carry so she always has the facts with her?

Feeling dizzy and not able to process any of this craziness?  I have two of these at home.  Their play makes way more sense to me, so I've gotten down on the floor and played along with them, especially on the more challenging days.

Somali Pirates - how did all of this start?

No doubt anyone who tuned in to any of the news channels over the weekend caught the dramatic escape/rescue of a Maersk cargo ship captain who was being held hostage by pirates from Somalia.

A quick search engine investigation will, no doubt, bring up any number of other raids by Somali pirates in the last few years about many other cargo ships.

But, the best way to figure out how to stop a bad situation from getting worse is to take a quick breath and look at the origins of the problem.

Which is what this post from Crooks and Liars has done.  The liberals and politically curious amongst us will say "Well, there's a surprise . ." with appropriate levels of snark and cynicism in their voice.  I'll admit to not knowing the source of all this trouble before reading the post.

Now, I've got a bit better of an understanding of the underlying issues.  I'm hard pressed to suggest a solution -- my hope is the problem solvers have done their homework.

What is really underneath it all ?

At the risk of sounding completely out of my mind, I'm developing an odd insight into how most everyone lives their lives every day.

There are the everyday choices each of us makes (blue socks or brown with this outfit?, sandwich or soup?  Letterman or Leno?) and there is the underlying set of emotions that cradles every decision we make (brown socks look better with this suit, soup as it is cold outside, Leno 'cause he's got that really cute actor on tonight).

I'm going to apply this over-simplified notion to all of the news about mass murder in the U.S.   I cannot begin to know what decisions each of the men (and it's overwhelmingly men who perpetrate this) made that led them to think that committing the acts of violence they did was the only way to fix whatever was going wrong in their lives, so my whole "everyday choices" thing only works subjectively.

So, it comes down to what these men were experiencing in their emotional lives that led them down the path toward this tragedies.

It was quite clear with the man responsible for the murder and mayhem at Virginia Tech years ago that he was losing the battle with mental illness.  As to what others in the past weeks were struggling with emotionally, it is anyone's guess.  Little is known about the most recent incident in Pennsylvania, but in time more will be revealed.  Whether what is reported sheds much insight into that man's psyche is anyone's guess.

Surfing the 'net, I stumbled onto an article which helps me understand the psychology behind these acts a little bit better. So, there may not be too much any one of us can do for some who find themselves in these situations.  The "sense of 'doom and gloom' that pervades the cultural atmosphere" cannot be all there is to understanding recent events.  The expert cited in the above article went on to say:

Usually there's a rigidity in that person (who kills) and an inability to really process stress.  They absorb it. They can't digest it.  They want structure, they want answers, and things are not that clear for them."

I have to admit, I'm at a loss for answers and there's a good deal of fuzziness about all the goings on in our country these days.

So, it's back to me to find the context in which to view these shootings and to ask myself why I haven't done what these men have done and why I cannot imagine me perpetrating this kind of violence while these men found themselves having arrived at the decision to do so.

Maybe the answer is really back at the start of this post.  Maybe admitting I'm a little out of my depth is exactly how I avoid all the sad decisions that lead to tragedies like we've seen on the news these past weeks.  I could site my faith as my strength; however, I find that same connected feeling when I go to the political grassroots meetings every month.  I get the same feeling of assuredness when I march amongst hundreds or tens of thousands in the past months and chant out my frustration, anger and sadness.

And, when I try to reach out and give permission to everyone I know to feel as they feel and let it out in health ways, maybe I'm becoming part of that same net I feel under my feet as I try to figure everything out.

Last week I reminded all who read this to laugh sometime during the week.  What I ask now  may be tougher to do: 

choose to admit you're out of your depth

OR 

be a part of the "net" in someone's life

(doing both is OK, too)

You pick the story, I'll supply the outrage!

OK, "outrage" may be too strong a word.  Lots of things have popped up from the satellite as I drove home from the Park n Ride today:

Baseball fans were surveyed recently by the Associated Press.  They were asked what the biggest problem with Major League Baseball was.  45%, the largest percentage listed, said the cost of seeing an MLB game live at the ballpark is the biggest problem with MLB.

Fans also mentioned player salaries, steroid scandals and the length of games as other problems.

I'm still somewhat of a novice baseball fan.  I do understand how the game is played.  I have no problem at all with players using steroids.  I imagine fans will be able to spot the tell-tale physical signs of regular steroid use quickly enough (if they don't already see them by now).  Fans can decide if they want to support teams with a large number of steroid users or not.

Vote with your admission tickets.  Which brings me to my other semi-informed opinion.  I wish MLB well with increasing ticket prices.  If prices are a barrier, then there will be more empty seats over which TV cameras may pan as the games are broadcast.  If the trend continues, I would expect to see more "fan appreciation" nights OR "family nights" where kids get in for 1/2 price, etc.

Not that I'm becoming a bigger fan or anything . . .

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Fox News' Glenn Beck is either stark raving or just crazy like a . . .well, you know.  I'm having problems thinking of the liberal equivalent of this guy.  So, I'll entertain suggestions as long as you back your suggestion with links to transcripts and/or audio/video.

Here (thanks to C & L), Beck carries on about wind power's impractically.  Mr. Amato kindly posts Wikipedia's write-up on overcoming issues inherent with wind power.  It gets a little technical, but I'm sure that's just fine.  It would be quite presumptuous to insist that Beck, oh, I don't know, research for maybe 10 minutes to see that a method exists to harvest wind power without needing to build more nuclear power plants.

For hammy acting and needless carrying-on, I'm sure a Sci-Fi (or SyFy) made-for-TV schlockfest (I say that with much love) will work just fine for me.

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If big-business sports and TV news-ish hosts aren't your cup of tea, try this.  Good article and plenty of pictures to click and view.  Ooh, so pretty !

Here is what all the fuss is about: AIG

I almost got out of needing to write about the latest "we're all so ticked that the big fat cats at the ailing financial company got paid big time while us taxpayers got the shaft" story.

Then, as I was driving to pick up lunch, I was listening to Nancy Skinner.  (BTW, I REALLY miss Randi Rhodes on the radio.  Though, what I heard from Nancy Skinner today really helped me appreciate how much she has improved as a host in the past couple of months)

She played clips of testimony offered to (a subcommittee) earlier today by AIG CEO Ed Liddy.  The on-line audio/video isn't captioned, but this Op-Ed written by Mr. Liddy in yesterday's Washington Post is a pretty good encapsulation of what I heard on the radio.

Here's the most important part of what Mr. Liddy wrote on 3/17/09 (per the Washington Post) and what he said earlier today:

"Although (AIG has) wound down more than $1 trillion in the portfolio of the AIG Financial Products unit . . ., there remains substantial risk in that portfolio.

[snip]

To prevent undue risk exposure in the meantime, AIG has made a set of retention payments to employees based on a compensation system that prior management put in place (Mr. Liddy joined AIG in September 2008, well before the contracts were signed).  As has been reported, payments were made to employees in the Financial Products unit.  Make no mistake, had I been chief executive at the time, I would never have approved the retention contracts that were in place more than a year ago.  It was distasteful to have to make these payments. But (AIG) concluded that the risks to the company, and therefore the financial system and the economy, were unacceptably high."

The alternative would have been to tell these employees something like:

 "Look, we lost a heckuva lot of money last year and there's no way we can afford to pay out the retention bonuses now".   

At that point, the employees could have chosen to enforce the terms of the contract by retaining attorneys and suing AIG

  or 

they could have worked out an alternate agreement (i.e. pay the same bonus 6 months from now or pay half now and half six months from now or something else).

Somehow, the best thing to do was to write the checks then and there?  There was no one at AIG that could have offered some kind of incentive and/or a higher bonus for having to wait another 6 months or another year for that bonus??

Better questions:

What is going on at AIG that is worse than what is happening now which would lead AIG to think it better to pay the bonus now?  

What might the employees know and cannot say under a standard employee non-disclosure agreement that the retention bonus would help to keep silent?

Mama gets overshadowed by the guy who used to wear bow ties ?

And, by "Mama", I mean the affectionate term fans of Stephanie Miller (like me) use to address her during her daily political/humor radio show.

I recorded CNN's "Reliable Sources" this morning with a short cup of coffee and waited to see Mama set up and knock down the host and pundits with her sharp commentary and goofy humor.

Sadly, all the accounts written talk about Tucker Carlson and all of the shrieking he did about Jon Stewart.  Does he get that the comedy dude should not have to be a news reporter AND that someone who works on an all financial news channel should not mostly be know for the comedy?  I'd safely say that those fans of The Daily Show (like me) are fully aware that Stewart is all about the comedy yet is sharp enough to use the news to create the comedy.

Huffington Post has the transcript of the exchange -- just look for MILLER in the transcript to read what Stephanie contributed.  Again, so very odd to watch this and have the very funny lady have to deliver the most insightful commentary on this guest spot on an all-news channel.

Alabama and Baden-Wuerttemberg

Other than both states being in southern part of their respective countries (the U.S and Germany), until a few days ago there was not too much that they had in common.

Sadly, this week, they both experienced brutal and shocking tragedies

For both, according to the articles, their last tragedy occurred in 2002.

When those in the blogosphere attempt to tie these two events together and, inevitably, ask something like "Is this a sign of worse things to come?"

I was compelled on Monday to write a bit about the growing population of unemployed and how, in between job searches and interviews, they are also a growing base of volunteers.  Germany, as well as other European countries, is also experiencing rising unemployment.

It seems to me that the message I wrote on Monday could be applied to those in Germany as well.

Though, unlike in Alabama, the troubled soul in Germany was a teenager, the issue of gun control could find its way back into the news.  As I usually see things from a liberal perspective, I could make a decent argument for further gun control.

However, any gun, entirely on its own, cannot fire itself.  

What could we all do to help those with anger, frustration, fear and a sense of helplessness become convinced that grabbing and using a weapon on family, friends and co-workers is not the way to recover from those negative emotions?

News, really?

I miss new episodes of The Daily Show! Jon is back and I could not stop giggling over this.

Seriously, the best advice I have ever received on getting news came from one of my favorite liberal talk show hosts, Randi Rhodes.  I started listening to her years ago when she was on Air America.  On one of the first shows I heard, she admonished her audience to not rely on her show nor any talk show for news.  She routinely sources the blogs she posts on her site so you can read for yourself the piece of news she used to form her opinion.

So, watching Fox News and MSNBC for hard news? Probably not smart.  My suggestions?  Newshour on PBS, BBC News and/or the Christian Science Monitor (though be mindful of those companies who sponsor/advertise on these sites)

SPECIAL NOTE: If I have done this correctly, on the left should be a link to my buddy's blog: Randy's Blog.  Never shy about his opinion and never failing to have an educated opinion, I look forward to checking in on his blog in between government policy brainstorming sessions during games of Canasta.

What? Maybe if those in positions of power spent a little more time brainstorming over card games our country's issues may be a lot further along in being addressed and resolved.